Week Five-Seven: Monsters vs. Aliens

Daniel's dad moved back in state when a seasonal job was done. He was homeless so he couldn't offer his son a living but they were together every evening at least for a couple of weeks. We set up plans the next couple of weeks, but a kid starved for attention from his dad forgot I was coming. I didn't mind. It was never my intention to replace his dad. It mostly affected Jared. I wasn't technically his "Big Brother" so to speak and he missed the outings.

The foster mom was trying to tell me that I should just change who I mentored, as if it were that easy. Daniel was assigned a mentor before he had foster parents and even though he had been given several different case social workers who had now kind of lost track of him, I knew he needed me with or without his parents in the picture. Plus, Jared wasn't even part of the mentor program yet. I told her to get Jared signed up. I also hadn't told the mentoring program that two boys were coming to each activity, anyway. So this was becoming a little precarious.

Nonetheless, both boys were excited for a dollar movie showing of Monsters vs. Aliens. We went to an all you can eat pizza place first. I learned something more about each of them. Jared doesn't spare food. Being in tne foster system as long as he had been you eat what you get. Daniel on the other hand doesn't like eating the crust. This particular eatery had a rule, however; eat everything you take or pay an extra few dollars for any food left on your plate. I told Daniel I wasn't paying for more and it would have to come out of the money his parents freely threw at him for his love (He had been given $30 that week just because [which turned Jared into his beggar]). Daniel promptly shoved the pizza crusts into his pants pockets and went to the bathroom where he could throw the food away. Yeah, I had to compromise a little. I was at least able to explain to him about how an all you can eat business can't afford to provide more pizza than is going into your stomach. Can't say I was sure how to stop him from running off with the remains in his pockets either. Lesson learned for both of us: we wouldn't be back to this place together. Jared wanted to sit in the front row and Daniel wanted to sit in the back of the theater. I elected for somewhere in between. Jared would have had to squint if we sat any farther away Daniel told me later, but Jared was too embarrassed to tell anyone he needs to see an eye doctor. Jared saved his ticket stub of Monsters vs. Aliens. He doesn't get out much. Daniel didn't! His dad had brought him to a movie nearly every night over the past couple weeks. All and all, it was a good day!

Week Four: soccer field

Daniel was a good sport. His profile card, given me, claimed that he only liked video games. With his family background in mind, I knew I needed to open him up to a world of more possibilities. That meant doing fun things he might not have thought he liked. But Daniel surprised me, because he was game for most anything.

On this particular visit, Jared was unable to join us, but I had a group of friends who would be playing soccer and I brought Daniel along. Daniel, being an only child, was happy that he didn't have to share me with Jared for once, but I was glad that we would be hanging out with a group of people so he could see good social interactions. My friends didn't disappoint. We had a great game of soccer of all ages.

I don't think Daniel has run so much in his life. He was pitted against me, rather than being placed on my team, which I think he relished because he wanted to beat me. His team did actually win, but it was close. Turns out that my thirty year old self is much slower than my high school self and I got winded a lot easier, but my first few goals helped us get a good lead before we had to stave off a comeback. I maintain that we played too long. I think Daniel would have thought so too, if it weren't for the fact that he scored the final goal while loafing, cherry picking (we weren't calling off-sides). It was clear neither Daniel or I were in good shape, but we both share a good competitive spirit.

Having more one on one time, Daniel opened up about his parents and his feelings about everything. We ate tacos from Taco Bell, a favorite of his, before I brought him back home. I learned from the previous week that if I brought him home later than supper he might not get supper. We were starting to connect really well and respect and trust one another.

Week Three: The Grocery Store

It was not going to be easy to mentor two kids every week. I was determined to be in contact every week, but I knew I would miss doing an activity here and there. Still I wasn't going to make a habit of it, especially not in the first month (April 2009). The past two occasions had lasted a few hours each, but I really only had the hour I had committed to this week and I was fitting it in with errands to get it done. They needed to see me in normal life and not just for fun anyway.

Today we would be going to Checker Auto, Home Depot and Walmart. What fun! The simplest task of changing a tail light is so much easier with someone else's help. I figured these kinds of things would be like a fringe benefit for my mentoring and a good learning experience for Daniel and Jared. I also wanted to pick up a tomato plant or two. I told them we would be going to a couple stores.

While we were at it they wanted to see what movies were playing so we drove by there. They figured when I said we were going to the store that I meant the mall, so they begged me to stop there, but I didn't. They saw a handful of older teens walking from the mall and wondered out loud if I could beat them all up so they yelled out the window at them and then hid. I just laughed.

Home Depot had some plants but I wanted to compare prices. We went to Walmart but this particular one didn't have plants. I resolved to check the Walmart closer to my home. Meanwhile Daniel was checking out explicit magazines. He asked me if I thought a half naked woman looked good. I told him she would be prettier with more clothes on and I meant that, but he didn't believe me. It was time to go, but Jared had run off trying to prolong the evening. He had been given a Walmart card from one of his brothers. It had $100 arbitrarily written on it with a marker. When I caught up to him I told him to check with a store clerk before stocking up, just to make sure there was still money on it. As I thought, there wasn't. It was kind of sad, but funny. I turned around and told Daniel to remove whatever it was he was stuffing down his gym shorts. He swore he had nothing, but then changed that to, "no one will know." I told him that I would turn him into security if he didn't put it back. He had a large powerade. I told Daniel and Jared to each choose a small powerade and I would buy it for them. They did, but Daniel chose to bring the big one along and place it on the register. He said he deserved it since I was his mentor and not Jared. I told him he needed to tell me before we went to do an activity if he wanted me all to himself. I don't know if they thought I was less cool on this visit, but ground rules were beginning to be set, and they were realizing that I was more than the typical buddy they hang out with, but still a break from the day to day with foster care.

Week Two: my house

I told the foster mom that as long as Daniel wanted to include Jared it was fine with me. She happily met me at the door for my second visit hoping she could better introduce herself. If only there were more people in the world who are willing to give their all for a cause like she is. She is a little more eccentric about the environment and so she is a minimalist, which was a little hard for me or the foster kids (for that matter) to relate to, but on the upside she is empowered with self-sufficiency and it allows her to be so caring, positive, and able to discipline while raising children to become adults.

Daniel and Jared were more than ready to get away and eat some pizza, something not too common around the foster home. We were going to have a blind taste test. We first went to Dominoes for a five dollar pizza special and then we went to Little Ceasars. The test became more of whether or not they could guess which one was Dominoes, since that's the one they knew they liked better before the blindfolds went on. From pre-cut bite-size pieces they easily chose Dominoes. I took the test also and though I could tell which was which too, it did surprise me that the Dominoes one (regularly priced higher) was actually too salty and I preferred the sweet hot-and-ready compared to that. But I told the foster kids that I liked them both about the same. Yep, I gave into peer pressure, not wanting to be made fun of. Adults have feelings, too. :)

On the way home I asked Daniel when his birthday was. I realized that he must have forgotten how he had told me the prior week that it would be today. From the papers I received from the mentor program his birthday had happened a month back. He lied and said it was coming in a month, to which I laughed and pointed out how I thought he told me it was that day. That made him laugh because he could think of a quick recovery and fessed up. Now they knew that I was fully aware that they would be testing their boundaries. I told them how I knew they weren't as old as they had told me the prior week also. We were starting to loosen up as friends and connect. I was starting to be on the "in" where they would trust me enough to tell me the truth about these kinds of things, but only starting to get that way.

Week One: my parents house

Daniel and Jared would have climbed into my car had it not been locked. I insisted we go inside so I could meet their foster parents. I briefly met the foster mom who was in a rush and couldn't talk long, and I learned that the foster dad was not around and would often be working late into the night, so I wouldn't likely see him much.

Then we were on our way. Jared sat quietly in the back almost as though not wanting to offend. Daniel changed the radio to some rap station. I asked them about school and about trivial things at first but quickly got to questions about living in a foster home, and about their families to get those out of the way. They were pretty open. Daniel told me how his mom was in and out of jail and his dad was out of state. Both had drug problems at different times. Jared explained that his parents had died in a car crash and he and four siblings were all in different foster homes as a result. He didn't know if he had grandparents still alive. I knew most of the information about Daniel because the mentoring agency had given me some details, but I had no information on Jared. When they tried to tell me it was Daniel's fifteenth birthday the next week on the day I would visit next, I knew he was lying, but I didn't tell him so. It didn't take them long to start testing their boundaries on everything. I called them out on everything else. Even stopping for gas was an opportunity to see how much change I would spare for the convenience store. Daniel pointed out all the places he had to do community service to clean up graffiti. Then he told me how he would have been able to get a tattoo and ear piercings if he wasn't in foster care. I wondered for a moment what I was getting into, but at my parents home their true selves showed.

I briefly introduced them to my parents and then we shyly escaped to the basement. We had some ice cream and watched some cartoon clips in the theater room. I don't know that they've been in such a nice home before, and so I was sure to keep an eye on them knowing that trust is earned. To end the evening they suggested we play a game of hide and seek (including my brother just back from college). With ground rules that they couldn't go in any rooms we gave it a try. Turns out Jared was afraid of the dark and Daniel wasn't much braver. That brought a funny realization of how much innocent fun we could have together. From then on I knew we were going to have good times together. They also confirmed that they thought I was pretty cool as we drove home. And as they held their hands out of the car to catch rain drops coming down from the sky, then recoiling when they began to hit like daggers as we entered the freeway, I smiled at how I had forgotten some of the fun simple things of life and I began to realize how these new friendships were going to do more for me than I would have thought.

Week One: meet the parents

A distraught mother cried into the phone begging me to get the Social Worker to bring her baby back. It was awkward. I didn't even know what she was talking about. Calling to set up my first "Big Brother" mentoring appointment was nerve-wracking enough. But apparently, Daniel, was getting used to his first week in foster care. So I wouldn't be meeting his parents, after all.

The foster care mom treated me like a Godsend. Not only could I come and see Daniel, she unabashedly asked that I bring along the other foster kid, Jared, as well. Just this once. She had some errands to run and really could use the favor. I went along.

Daniel and Jared were waiting expectantly outside for my arrival. Jared had filled Daniel in on what it meant to have a mentor and how lucky he was. They both pounced from a bush to surprise me when I arrived, and only then asked if I was Chad, not yet really even knowing what I looked like. It was obvious we were going to get along well. It can be difficult for me to get out of myself in meeting a stranger. They, however, were so willing to be outgoing and meet someone new, but who wouldn't be excited to escape their daily strife even just for one hour I could give each week. (to be continued)